Thursday, May 17

The Hazy Beam of Hindsight

The hazy beam of hindsight soft-focuses on needs that seemed simple
Not easy, but straight-forward.  Flailing limbs swaddled into compact burdens
Demanding, but not heavy
Plenty were the times I couldn’t stop the tears (theirs, mine.)
Bone-aching exhaustion, certain I couldn’t stand one more minute of bouncing
But of course I could.  Rocking swaying patting away unspoken fears


Frustrating little wonders. And me the brave knight tasked with conquering fears
Talk already! I silently begged. Make it simple
Tell me and I’ll find an answer. Is it hunger? Or more incessant bouncing?
Complex because you couldn’t voice them, simple needs seemed like burdens
No commingling then, a problem sat squarely in baby’s camp, or mine
Addressed, and Poof! Gone. Grievances had no time to grow heavy.


I miss days when my arms grew heavy
From rocking them.  When bumps in the night birthed easy-to-soothe fears.
Tiny bodies completely encompassed within the circle of mine.
Days, long.  Sunlight, golden.  Solutions, simple.
Sweet were the loads I could carry in my arms.  Not like these, heart-burdens
Emotions, tugging.  My gut on a see-saw, nauseous from the bouncing


The puppeteers weave their tale, pull my strings, set me to bouncing
And then move on. I hang there, tangled and heavy
In a web woven of teen-aged angst I take their burdens
Pull them on like a wool sweater shrunk in the wash.  I wear their fears.
I need to break free, extricate myself (they say as if it’s that simple)
As if it would be possible to separate the beating of their hearts from mine


Perspective is required.  These thorns of mine
Are no more than a first world problem.  How dare I complain of a heart set bouncing
From school-yard slights and insults wielded like sharpened sticks.  It’s simple
Their needs are met. Shelter, food. Health, love. Nothing heavy
Slows them down.  And yet I fall hostage to capricious fears
Mean girls choose another seat at lunch, and I am drowning in burdens.


I’m staggering beneath the weight of amorphous burdens
That lift, willy-nilly, from their shoulders, yet cast long shadows over mine.
They bounce back, so I cautiously dip a toe in murky waters to test for lingering fears.
I am only as happy as my least happy child.  A yo-yo forever bouncing
My heart out there dancing with danger.  Now light, then heavy
Now light again. I should untangle myself.  It’s not that simple


The sweater is tightly woven of fears, locking in burdens
This can be simple. I reject it, peel it off. It is not mine.
And unbound I embrace the bouncing, and see lightness counteracting all that is heavy.

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